Nothing Is Real

I look at all the.....

2008-12-28T19:36:00.000-08:00

In my recent boredom I have discovered online MadLibs. For your reading pleasure here is one replacing the lyrics of Eleanor Rigby.

Ah, look at all the sultry swans!
Ah, look at all the sultry swans!

Jane Auxemburrow picks up the taco in a Germany where a Bar mitzvah has been.
Tickle in a VCR.

dining at the monster, wearing the mongoose that she keeps in a thumb by the penis. Who is it for?

All the sultry swans, where do they all come from?
All the sultry swans, where do they all dance?

Anutha Mutha Hike - Who

2008-12-28T14:36:00.000-08:00

The Escape

Twines of dark nylon
Taught and numerous they strain
Steel bird from human

Never will it be
Cleanliness is hopeless
But yet they still try

Over red sunset
But under mass of black clouds
They pull the black strings

Bring it to the ground!
They shreek in their noble tongues
Pull it from the bath

Fire, smoke, eject
Vibrating the earth it falls
Rejoice until next

How do you spell HI KOO?

2008-12-16T18:33:00.000-08:00

Smooth comfortable
Lust breathes through the trap door fast
Animal urges

Dream #8999 - Moshpits and John Adams

2008-08-10T13:00:00.000-07:00

I'm really trying to fill in the gaps on this one

So from what I can remember I was working some kind of festival and there was some very heavy moshing going on. The captain of the police came to me and gave me the keys to the police station and instructed me to go back into town and grab this armored car that could help. He told me not to be persuaded or bribed, and there was a long discussion between the cops on whether he should give them to me or not.

Before I could leave I was looking for my hat which was red and just said Tsunami on it in white letters, but someone had stolen it. (I know another tsunami theme)

This is where I don't quite remember the transition but in between then and now I went to lollapalooza and ran into a bunch of old highschool friends, went to a slumber party where everyone wore dinosaur costumes and it got busted by the cops.

Anyways here's the finale. I was in the house that looked like mine but it wasn't. The floors were hard wood and it was old and dusty. I walked up the old stair and this tiny person runs up to me. She was an old woman that was about 2 feet tall. Her hair was silver and she wore blue glasses. She was rail thin except for her enourmous head which was larger than mine. I was little startled by this grandma creature running around so I jumped back. She said "Hello my name is Samuel Adams".
"John Adams or Samuel Adams?", I said.
"I'm sorry I meant John Adams", she responded. (This for some reason was an ongoing arguement in the dream where me and my friends argued over the historical significance of Samuel Adams vs. John Adams.

So John Adams told me that she was glad I was there because I could help handcuff this case she had to the tv stand that was in front of me. She dashed off to find the handcuffs. While she was gone there was a tiny one inch version of her (identical in every way except size) trying to climb a candle stick. I asked her what time it was and she said she would have to ask her mom. I asked her if that other woman was her mother, which obviously it was. But she got all shy and disappeared into a drawer.

Dream # 49 Bears, Flight Attendants, and Tsunamis

2008-07-28T17:12:00.000-07:00

My girlfriend and I owned a family of bears which we kept in my parents' closet. There was a father, a mother, and three cubs. One day while I was taking a cub out to give him a bath the father mauled me. I hit him with the bear stick that their previous owner had given me and turned him into a smaller bear. Later that day I went for a ride with two flight attendants in a hybrid mix of a bright green voltzwagon beetle and a pick up truck. I did these impressions of an old man that they thought was hilarious. We then went to the water park which closed early because a giant black lingering storm cloud turned into a frozen tsunami wave.

Dream #1789 The Pool

2008-07-27T18:10:00.000-07:00

I was invited to a late night pool party at an old friend's house from high school. The friend was never specified. When I arrived at the party, however, the bouncer said i was too drunk to come in and that I would drown if I tried to swim, even though I could see empty kegs floating in the pool beyond the golden fence. So being drunk and discouraged I wandered around with a 40 in my hand going through all the sprinklers that I could.

Dream #3409981 Lector

2008-07-25T11:09:00.000-07:00

Hannibal Lector and I were having dinner and he was making me incredibly uncomfortable. There was this unspoken understanding that he was my friend and he would never kill me, but still something about the way he was talking to me made me kind of suspicious. Just when he started getting extra creepy my drunk uncles came in and caused a scene. Then it turned into a party and Hannibal was stalking and lurking the unsuspecting guests. I tried to brush it off like nothing was going on. So then after forgetting about it I went into a back bedroom to change into my bathing suit and Hannibal walked in right after me.... "Oh my God, " I thought. This is where he's going to kill me. "Whoops, my bad", he said and slammed the door closed.

I'm sorry

2008-07-24T15:42:00.000-07:00

Dear readers,

I apologize to all of you for not updating for well over a couple years. orrrr months? Either way I've been in a coma of regularity for too long and have not been confused or disorientated the way I should be.

From now on this blog shall be hot. Like hotter than the burn you get when you aren't wearing a shirt and you eat a cheese hot pocket too fast and a piece of it falls on your chest. That's right. That hot. We're going to experiment with a few new things and a few old things.

To make up for my absence, I bring you Dream Evil - The Book of Heavy Metal

The most devoted Swedish metal band that seem to have the right idea but have not quite exactly.....done it well. You'll see what I mean

I hope this patches up and hard feelings readers, and maybe we can just be friends for awhile before we go back to...ya know.

Love Always
Death Taco

BOOM! THE VERMIN EXPLODES!

2008-04-04T15:06:00.000-07:00

In never ending circles surrounding a deciduous tree
A primate violently pursues a ferret.
The ape was euphoric by the hunt to a perpetual state of glee
BOOM! The vermin explodes.

A TRIO OF VISIONLESS RODENTS

2008-04-04T14:40:00.000-07:00

A trio of vision-less rodents
A trio of vision-less rodents
Behold the way they dash!
Behold the way they dash!

They scurried behind the agriculturist's spouse
So she severed their posteriors with a sundering blade
Have you ever witnessed a similar exhibit in your human existence?
As a trio of vision-less rodents.

STEAM PUNK

2008-03-28T01:20:00.000-07:00

Yes. I said it... Steam Punk. An artistic style that combines advanced technological devices with that old west, parlor type of charm. I am very moved by this style and I think more of America should be too. But why stop at technology? Shouldn't we all be wearing suits and dresses? Shouldn't we take a little bit more pride in our public appearance? I think so. What about the pollution problem? Ummmmmmmmm horses? Hello.

This might seem like a step back in civilization, but if you really think about it... is it?

My cell phone charger is lost i don't know what to do

My laptop broke I don't know how to fix it.

I drank to much flavored vodka

I don't know what to order at McDonald's

I agree that society has taken some awesome turns but can't we keep the good and adapt it into something greater?

Steam punk? fantastic.... Steam Metal. PHENOMENAL.

UPDATED: SINS!!!!!

2008-03-11T23:05:00.001-07:00

Ok......oh boy. I'm so excited I can barely catch my breath.

(Clears throat) In case you haven't heard. The Vatican has released its new and improved deadly sins. (The old ones were kind of outdated we all can admit) Just in case anyone is a bit rusty on their seven deadly sins [Please refer to Seven Brad Pitt, Morgan Freeman] here they are along with a picture of their demon representatives brought forth by Peter Binsfield in 1589........

LUST
Asmodeus

GLUTTONY
Beelzebub
GREED
Mammon

SLOTH
Belphegor

WRATH
Satan
ENVY
Leviathan
PRIDE
Lucifer

OK This is a long blog but stay with me, it'll be worth it.
without further A-doo, the NEW SEVEN DEADLY SINS (along with their demon representatives)

DRUG DEALING
Pablo Escobar

GENETIC ENGINEERING
John Hammond
POLLUTION
Henry Ford
SOCIAL INJUSTICE
Jane Austen
ABORTION
Klara Hitler
EXCESSIVE WEALTH
Bill Gates
PEDOPHILIA
Pope

Well there you have it. Watch your step you rich, drug dealing, littering, dinosaur lovin', pieces of shit.....who am I kidding I'll see you in Hell. My friend is throwing a keggar.

Soon I will post my own list of seven deadly sins.
If you would like some more information of this check out CNN here.

What the Funk?

2008-03-11T22:07:00.000-07:00

George Clinton (1739 - 1812), was an american soldier and congressman. He was the longest serving governor of New York....Fuck wrong George Clinton.

George Clinton is the architect of funk and he is amazing. There is really nothing else to say.

Crispin Hellion Glover

2008-03-11T19:21:00.000-07:00

My new interest is in an actor by the name of Crispin Hellion Glover. Otherwise known as George McFly from Back to the future, or Willard from....Willard.

Crispin Glover is either a genius or insane, but he is more than likely not both.

In 1987 while appearing on The Late Show, he dressed as a character from the film Rubin and Ed, wearing a wig and platform shoes. He gets extremely distraught and confused and then tries to kick David Letterman in the head. Three years later he tries to explain himself appearing on the Late Show in a very long winded explanation that seems as if hes trying to explain that it wasn't him. It was. (or was it.) In another video he goes on to explain that he will never reveal if that was actually him or not since he enjoys the ambiguity of entertainment phenomenas. He explain in yet another interview that it actually was him and he was doing a sociological experiment to portray himself exactly the way the media portrays him as a "neurotic eccentric."

Around 1990 he released an album called The Big Problem Does Not Equal The Solution, The Solution Equals Let It Be. This bizarre album contains great hits like Clowny clown clown, a lee hazelwood cover, as well as a bizarre falsetto cover of a Charles Manson song. The album contains a puzzle that you are supposed to figure out and he gives his home phone number so you can personally tell him what it is. He later said he was surprised to see how many people figured it out. I was surprised that so many people listened to this album.

He has also worked in movie directing and apparently creates art that I cannot seem to find. and yadda yadda something about children's books

If anyone has any interesting information about Crispin Glover please post it in a remark.

I can't figure out if he is really really intelligent and is so above us all that we cannot even comprehend the concepts he is trying to explain, or if he is a damaged sociopath that accidentally stumbled into Hollywood and no one can seem to get rid of him. Like I said before though, he is either a genius or a psychopath.

Juggalos

2008-03-08T17:35:00.000-08:00

The Juggalo culture is without a doubt one of the most interesting subcultures, still in existence.

Feeling socially rejected by either their families or age appropriate colleagues, juggalos and juggalettes have painted their faces to resemble pyschopathic clowns in order to "scare of the squares" and fit in with the rest of their brothers and sisters. It is NOT a cult and it is NOT a gang. Although there are shades of both within the community.

The music is not all that great, in fact its pretty terrible. It seems that the major attraction by so many fans is the release of being able to dress up in facepaint and be as free to be as crude as they want to be, while still being accepted by everyone who participates in similar activities.

Faygo is the choice drink of course.

I've spent many a night trying to figure out the juggalos. My underdeveloped theory is that is for the youth that wants to like death metal, likes the theories behind death metal, but for same reason cannot like death metal for whatever reason. They want to like rap. But they can't because they don't believe in the things rap is singing about. They need something more morbid. So they look to Clown axe murderer lyrics to live their lifestyle, and in the process get sucked into the juggalo lifestyle.

I will probably post more about Juggalos in the future, but I just wanna get something straight, (for my own safety) In no way am I insulting the juggalos, I just wanna research them.....and possibly disguise myself as one and walk amongst them.

More on juggalos to come......

WARNING: DO NOT WATCH WITH HEADPHONES

2008-03-08T16:02:00.000-08:00

I don't really have to much to say about this video except I know it freaks some people out.

DON'T watch it with headphones and DON'T watch it if you have to go to the bathroom. There's a rumor that it contains a brown note (frequency that instantaneously causes you to lose control of your bowels and shit yourself)

If you're cool you should see how many times in a row you can watch it before you feel a little psychotic. My record is 27.

$142,700,000

2008-03-08T12:06:00.001-08:00

This is No. 5 by Jackson Pollock, 1948.

It is the most expensive painting ever sold. It was a private sale sold by David Geffen to David Martinez for 142.7 million dollars.

I wonder if he wrote him a personal check or if he gave him suitcases full of cash.

Further down on the list Picasso, de Kooning, and Van Gogh dominate most of the expensive paintings.

Mayan Death Reign

2008-03-07T17:53:00.000-08:00

One of the most controversial and underground bands of all time disappeared off the face of the earth about 3 or 4 years ago. Just as they were starting to receive some fan support, they disappeared into the woods like 2 ghost jackrabbits.

Today I was walking down the street and I stopped to pick up a penny. When I arose there was old man before me. He reaked of cigarettes and that stale sandwich smell in the back of the fridge, his hair wild and white with hints of red in it danced in the slight winter breeze. He looked at me with his one good eye (his other being bandaged), his pupil narrowed and he pursed his lips and throated in a raspy voice....

Death is sure, to those who wait.....

I said what?

"Sorry", he said clearing his throat. I meant to say that I think Mayan Death Reign might be in the process of making a come back album, you should blog about it.

OK I said proudly, I will.

Then he skipped away singing hallelujah its raining men.

Mayan Death Reign shall return.......and the prophecy ...may or may not be fulfilled.

In honor of this unusual encounter I give you this link of an oldie by Mayan Death Reign entitled Shaving Naked

Manly Fire Archers

2008-03-07T17:12:00.000-08:00

manly fire archers

sh! cry free animal

F! rare Mayan chisel

My chalf rain eraser

Slay near death march

These are all anagrams of Ryan Michael Fraser.
Try it with your name and remark.

The Blog Begins

2008-03-07T15:32:00.001-08:00

I have decided to create a blog. For what reason? You tell me.

This blog will include arguable anecdotes, confusion and possibly a daily dream blog.

I hope you enjoy it/hate it.

Hugs and Kisses
Ryan